Start

Today I am reminded how little time we all had to grow up. It seems like it was yesterday when going to school with not a care in the world was just an after thought. I am starting another round of radiation. Re irradiating so soon after my first round of treatment is bad. Re irradiating in the brain stem is catastrophic. There is virtually no data on how I will turn out. Good and Bad. I’m not sure scared is how I feel. Because I am slipping away otherwise anyways.  Everyday I feel slightly worse. More difficulty walking. More stumbling. More double vision. More tingly on my right side. Less control of my left fingers. Less strength to do stuff. Less desire to do stuff.  So the rationale is let’s try an aggressive treatment since the tumor is aggressive. Or at least the symptoms are ever changing. Let’s do something drastic and quick too. I look forward to coming back again. Fresh start.

shit remy says: you’re doing great.

S i s t e r h o o d

I just wanted to write to you to let you know. Allot was said on friday about what I want. My wishes and what I want my healthcare journey to be. I think this disease has put things into perspective. I crave a relationship with dad outside of my illness. I think in allot of ways it is the same sentiment that I’ve had with you as my sister. I remember hugging you last year; crying with you at church, people telling us how close we were, telling the social worker at nyu that my ‘calm’ image was an image with you. In a twisted way, I was happy to have gotten sick. Because truth is, growing up, I never felt like you wanted me as your sister. Now that I am sick, I feel like I finally am close to you. The closeness I never felt with you is finally here. I can tell you about my thoughts and you can comprehend them. You feel comfortable about telling me your thoughts too. I was a bit apprehensive about bringing up my issues with our father at dinner. I didn’t want to come off as an ungrateful child. But I also had strong feelings about how I wanted the course of our father daughter relationship to be. So thank you for listening to me and giving me great feedback. Thank you for being who you are. You are one of the best gifts I have in life.

S e c r e t

Can I tell you a secret? I used to wish I was skinnier. Granted I was never fat. I’ve never been overweight in my life. But I suffered from, as most girls do, body dissatisfaction syndrome. I have always been chunkier in my hips and thighs. I have a small face and my limbs are skinny too. But a big chest and a big bottom is what I had. Always. I confess that I did more than once wish to be skinnier. To weigh less. To be able to fit into jeans a couple sizes down. To not be carrying saddlebacks to conceal my oversized butt. Or be self conscious about having my behind face the people I know when I turn around to say, go to the bathroom. Talk about confessions about a self critical girl about her own body image. Today, as I sit at my computer typing away, I can finally say that I fit into my dream size. I just didn’t know I had to have cancer while I was at it. I lost about 20 lbs last year. Following my 1st treatment. I look in the mirror and for the first time in my adult life I like what I see. Never did I think it would come at the expense of my health. Not just my weight too. A rough patch of skin on my left cheek. Triceps that have always been ridden with adult acne. They are all gone. Things that once bothered me are no longer there to keep me up at night. Instead I have cancer. Life’s ironic isn’t it. Would I have asked for my ideal weight if I knew this is what I would have to compromise? Oh no. Of course not. I wish I didn’t care so much about how trimmed I wanted to be, how I wanted to look. Because cancer is all I can see now.

shit remy says: ‘you’ve always been bottom heavy”

j o u r n e y

I took my last trip to Boston yesterday. I was on a clinical trial in Boston. Sine August 2014. Today is the last time in a while I will be in Boston because the trial drug I was on stopped working. In other words, recurrence. I had began walking funny. Seeing things funny. Slurring my speech more. Taking more time to finish my sentence and my food. I counted the many dinners Remy and I had in Boston. A total of about 20. It was like commuting to Boston bi-monthly for work. We had figured out a routine of some sort. And now it’s over. We took a drive to Providence RI from Boston. A detour if you will, on our way back to New York. It was a gorgeous day out and Providence is a real treat to visit. We circled around at Brown and RISD and saw so many youngsters 10-15 years our junior seizing their lives ahead of them by going to college and I just can’t help but be glad that 10 calendars ago I was on the same journey. I have detoured a little but I will be back. I am back.

A f f i r m

Did I tell you I was baptized last year? On my first anniversary, I did an affirmation before my congregation that I want to share with y’all. Hello everyone. My name is Pamela. Most of you know me as “the girl with cancer”. I won’t deny it. There is about a ping pong size of a cancerous tumor residing in my brain; around the tip of my brain stem, behind my throat. It is in its stage four. Meaning it has progressed through stages 1 through 3. There is no stage five. In other words, it is an aggressive tumor. But today’s affirmation is not about the tumor. I will not give the tumor anymore narrative than I have. This story is about me, my family, and my God. This is about how I found my God, my family and myself in the midst of this journey we all call life.

In 1983, the year my paternal grandfather passed away. I was born Chao-Yun Wu, to Hsih-chien Wu, a tall college grad city slicker, and Lih-mei Huang, a dark skinned nature loving girl from the country side. My sister Theresa Chao-Wen Wu exactly twelve months before my arrival, became the first addition to the Wu family. I was delivered to my parents at MacKay Memorial Hospital in Taipei after my mom felt contractions while attending a mass on Christmas Eve. I was born on Christmas day, December 25, 1983 at 7 in the morning. By all accounts, I had a very conventional up bringing. I was a girl scout, I went through normal elementary school and after school tutors like any other big city kid in the booming 90s. I was never a good student, often being punished for being too out spoken. I played the piano; excelled at is but lost the music at boarding school. Theresa and I left Taiwan fairly naively at the tender age of 14 and 13 for Canada’s west coast. Growing up relatively sheltered, we were in unfamiliar territory. After high school, Theresa left Canada for California and I settled into the cold weather of Toronto for college. Four years after the beginning of college, I graduated and followed my big sister to the Big Apple, looking to be apart of this new and vibrant city that is New York. Which led me to my husband, Lemin. Lemin and I met one cold December wintry night at Theresa’s birthday at Otto. He had been Theresa’s then-boyfriend now-husband’s friend. We barely spoke to each other throughout dinner, even though his friends made him sit right across from me. And the rest as they say is history. We had the most scenic wedding on the island of Oahu in Hawaii. A couple months prior to the wedding I recall a conversation with Lemin in his car. I foretold him that I would become a Christian one day. I can’t say I know much about this religion. I wasn’t sure why I had brought it up with Lemin. I remember tracing my roots to him, that I recall riding in my parents’ beatup grey honda civic and dropping off my dad at church on top of a hill every sunday. And my grandmother’s diligent bible reading, the wood cross that hung near the entrance to her house so gallantly displayed, of my uncle and aunt’s devotion in their lives. Lemin responded that he will honor my decision. Fast forward to March 16, 2014. Last year tomorrow. My first birthday, March 16, 2014. The day I was reborn into this world. I am pleasantly surprised to be standing before Our Father so soon. I don’t profess to be wiser. I am not a whole lot kinder. But I am aware of the workings of God. I know this is a challenge, a task if you will. That I will learn to repent my sins. That I will learn His existence and ways. He also gave me tools to navigate through this challenge. God gave me the the best possible co-pilot in my husband Lemin, or shall I say designated pilot. Whose patience and detail-driven temperance has found care for me through our medical challenges. My husband’s job as a real estate agent meant he is able to be my full time care person when I was incapacitated. For that I am grateful.

God also gave me Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare, without which I clearly would have had a very different and difficult journey. I remember signing up in October of 2013, right when President Obama was plugging the overhaul of America’s healthcare system. By December my symptoms had progressed to not being able to walk straight. Come January, when universal healthcare kicked into affect, I received my diagnosis and was able to commence treatment seamlessly. Since I am unemployed, Lemin and I were both uninsured before Obamacare; without which it is likely we would be left in financial ruins from the medical bills. For that I am grateful. God gave me this tumor, a Glioblastoma multiforme (GBM), the most aggressive malignant primary brain tumor the symptoms of which is seizure. Yet because of the location of my tumor, not in the cerebral hemispheres, I have not had debilitating seizures. GBM is also a primary tumor. Meaning that it is unlikely to grow somewhere else. Though tumors located in the middle of the brainstem cannot be surgically removed, I believe that having received this diagnosis at my age of 30 rather than younger, as brain stem gliomas occur almost exclusively in children, I know my odds, with modern day medicine and my ability to tolerate them, fare better. For that I am grateful. God gave me my parents, whose fateful decision to send Theresa and I abroad has made everything that is who I am possible. They have made the telling of this story possible. Today, their support thousands of miles away have been unwavering in the face of immense obstacles. For that I am grateful.

God gave me my mother Teresa, in my sister Theresa, whose take charge and no none-sense personality, although in deep contrast with my husband’s, compliments each other so well she is my left leg if Lemin was my right. For that I am grateful.

God sent me angels of hope through communities at hospitals, writing workshops, art lessons, and most importantly my fellow congregation at church. I recall visiting small clinics without insurance in October and November of 2013 trying to figure out the reason for my numbing face. Sensation on the left side of my face gradually disappeared, which meant my left nostril, left ear, left forehead, left tongue etc. To this day, I still don’t feel anything on my left side. At these visits to clinics, not one doctor was able to tell me what was wrong with me. On one visit to a non-for-profit clinic in Chinatown, a Dr. Zhao told me that he thinks its either labyrinthitis or a tumor. Oh how I hoped it was labyrinthitis. But that doctor’s visit prompted me to go to Bellevue emergency for a scan of my brain. Which led me to my diagnosis. For that I am grateful. You ask me: Isn’t this all a coincidence? My answer is: No. It is not. Because I choose to live in the world where God exists. I choose his Gospel and choose to see his workings. Without it this life is colorless: without stories, without beliefs, without miracles. With this renewed interpretation of life through Christ our savior, I am learning about appreciation and gratitude. To see every aspect of my life as fuel to this journey. For instance to see social media as fuel to get better and stay better. That I may one day be healthy enough to bear a child with my husband like many of my peers have. To be buying a crib for my unborn and not a wheelchair for myself. To be holding the hand of my husband because of the love that exists between us and not because my symptoms robbed me of my ability to walk. That one day I may not see my parents cry because they worry about my illness but that they are happy I am alive. That one day my congregation may no longer see me as the girl with cancer, just a fellow church goer. Are there days I question God’s plan? Why me? Why do I have cancer at 30? What have I done? Of course I have. But in my darkest hour, I choose to live this life with God, through his light, love and benevolence, than to live a life that is filled with unanswerable questions and doubt.

So hello again. It’s me. My name is Pamela. I am living proof that this is not a story about a cure or a miracle. I will admit to having prayed to God for a cure. But I also know that it’s not about these prayers not being answered; for I have already been given the answer. That I have been able to see it all through God’s work is the answer to my prayers. My God has given me an abundance of hope and love in the absence of a cure. He has given me tools to live this renewed life. To see the world with this new outlook on life. My resolve comes from knowing that though I may not have seen Jesus Christ nor God, that I bear witness to His workings on me. I hope I have shown you my faith for I have seen.

S e c o n d

We’ve now safely entered into the second month of 2015. This is not the month of thanksgiving. But I cannot help but have such gratifying thanks to whose who have shown me in the past year what it means to be a parent, a sibling, a husband, a relative, an acquaintance, or a passerby. You’re (un)knowing participation has enriched my life to no bounds. Knowing that not 365 days ago I was commuting daily in a wheel chair in the snow to NYU langone to be treated with radiation to the brain makes being alive special. It makes every day feel worthy of a celebration. Not just of life; of our bond as human beings. Of how we were meant to have these minute connections with one another. Of how some minute connections blossom into something perhaps more meaningful. Even those that wilt away still linger deep within our hearts. Thank you for those life long connections and chance encounters. I am ready for more.

J a n u a r y

The month of January is tough. It has not always been though. With the exception of the cold weather in NYC, and the merry christmas having passed, it’s not a bad month. But 2014 changed everything. It left an ugly mark on January. It will forever be the month of remembrance in our house. Today is the anniversary of my biopsy. Which means I would’ve been in the hospital for two days already. My 2nd trip to the hospital since the new year began. In two days, I will have undergone two brain surgeries. The second time, to implant a device in my head to prevent something called hydrocephalus; a deadly condition. I asked for a counselor before the implant surgery. I was nervous about having a foreign object placed in my body, possibly permanently, as any rational person would be. The counselor came and handed to me some pamphlet and started to talk to me about going to a happy place. I had a happy place and it certainly was not in this hospital room. I gave her what she wanted and told her my happy place was on the sand by the beach on a hot summer day in Hawaii, listening to the waves; not in the water, just by it. She said that I need to go to that place moments before and immediately after the surgery. I told her I’ll do it. I don’t remember if I did. But at that point I will do anything to calm my nerves. You see, my surgery had not been foreseen. After my biopsy, my neurosurgeon, a tall handsome and well-built Greek-American told Remy and my sister that it’s a high grade tumor and I will likely have to go through radiation immediately without delay. So come Friday, just as I thought I was going to be discharged, a nurse barged into my room in the morning and asked me if I’ve eaten. I had a tray of food half eaten in front of me. Hard boiled eggs, green tea, a banana, some oatmeal, sausage and a hash brown. “Yes I’ve had my breakfast”. She looked at what’s left of my breakfast and said oh it’s okay. “You’re scheduled to have a shunt implant surgery at 8pm today. So you have to fast between now and 8pm.” Then the fear set in. By 6pm, my family and I were sitting in the glass family waiting room on the 16th floor, them telling me it’s going to be okay. “Maybe you fellas should do the surgery instead then”, I thought. I couldn’t pace around in the room because I had trouble walking. But I was anxious. I remember telling my sister that I am going to be Pamela 2.0. I don’t know why I said that; I was lying to myself. I don’t want to be Pamela 2.0. I want the old me back. I knew that this implant is semi-permanent. I remember my mother in law asking Remy when they can take the shunt out. Um never, he said, it’s staying forever. My sister’s husband had arrived then and brought with him dinner for everyone. He brought some korean kimbaps. I told them they were cruel to eat it in front of me. But I was nervous more than hungry. I remember clearly waking up from the anesthesia just two days before from the biopsy. I remember lying on the stretcher with curtains drawn very close to my bed. It made the room dark. I had two discharge nurses. I told them I needed to go to the bathroom. They placed a bedpan under my butt and I went. I remember the warmth of my urine spilling all over my bed. Somehow I had completely missed the bedpan. The nurses came in via the curtain and saw that I had soaked the stretcher in urine. They nonchalantly told me I’d missed; I wanted to disappear. They quickly changed me and invited my husband and my sister to come see me. That was biopsy. By the time I was waiting in the hall way of the admittance to the implant surgery it was 8:30pm. My sister was rubbing my legs, trying whatever she can think of to calm my mind. She spoke to me of a story of a man who carried with him so heavy his belongings. God saw that he was struggling so He gave the man a carriage. The man proceeded on the carriage with his belongings still toted over his shoulders. She told me to put down my belongings and let the people who can help me do so. She told me this story as she was rubbing my legs over the hospital blanket under the neon lights in the hallway of the surgical floor. It was polar vortexing outside the hospital in New York City. I remember feeling glad that I missed the winter outside. But the truth is anything but this. Anything but the overdressed tuna sandwich at cafe l’hospital. Anything but having to ask permission to sit on the lav-unit in my neuro-ICU. Anything but taking the steroid every six hours, which prevented me from sleeping. So this is January for me. Forever. I haven’t been sleeping well this week. I suspect it’s because last January is still haunting me.

b i r t h d a y

Today is Remy’s birthday. He turned 36 today. We were not able to celebrate together last year because I was hospitalized around January 10th 2014. So here it is. Happy Birthday to the man that I love. To the man I chose. To the beacon in my life. To my best friend. To the only person that I’ve ever felt myself with. Even with my own family. To my soulmate. My heart is flooded with warmth whenever I think of you and us. I wonder how many more birthdays we can celebrate together. Even though our ‘celebrate’ is just dinner at a peking duck place. No parties. No gifts. Strawberry shortcake, a Japanese tradition to have on birthdays, at Harbs after dinner. It is special because we are together. You are by my side and I am by yours. And that is my world.

i n s t a l i f e ( p a r t d e u x )

51st is a photo of sea urchin sushi we had in boston. Did I tell you sea urchin (uni) is my favorite food in the world? Pair it with vinegar rice and what else tastes better? nada.

52nd is a photo from our wedding, in honor of our wedding day, which took place exactly 365 days ago. It is a picture of Remy and I, with our noses touching. We are shadowed by the sunset, a perfect backdrop to the photo. It epitomizes that wedding week. Darkness and light, warmth and shadows.

53rd is a video of me going around in circle on the jane carousel in brooklyn bridge park.

54th is a photo of my mother in law’s blue french bulldog Pierre, pointing his nose at close range at my camera. his tall ears perked from his disproportionately giant head.

55th is a photo of the red roses I got from Remy. I don’t know what I did to deserve these but I got them that day.

56th is a photo of chef Ichimura working on his magic at brushstroke. It is from a dinner to celebrate my brother in law, my sister’s husband’s birthday. We didn’t get our minds blown but it was some good sushi.

57th is a photo of a young family under neath the brooklyn bridge with the dad. pointing in the direction of manhattan. It is amazing that this structure was built a hundred years ago and the advances that we’ve made in a hundred years is to be able to watch videos on our phones. We are seriously behind.

58th is a photo of the serenity garden at Dana-Farber. Remy and I spent some time that day at the garden while we waited for my chemo to be ready to be consumed. It is quite a garden, with the exception of the annoying sound coming from a light fixture. It was therapeutic.

59th is a photo of a boston harbor just outside of the hotel we stayed at on that trip, the name of which escapes me.

60th is a photo of the table at shakeshack in CT. On our twice a month drive up to Boston we have yet to find some good and healthy lunch options. Sometimes I bring some food but most of the time we resort to eating on the do. Shakeshack in CT was one of our stops.

61st is a photo of the iPhone box Remy got me. Did I tell you I’ve never bought a single electronic device? I don’t believe in buying it because as soon as I do it becomes outdated. So my family and ‘friends’ and husband buys me my phones, computers, tvs.

62nd is a photo from the ‘beach’ by the Edge in williamsburg. We saw some people sunbathing in bathing suits. This was towards the end of September.

63rd is a photo of the tools I used for my pottery class. My sister invited me to take the class in chelsea. Initially skeptical I soon fell in love with hand building and how therapeutic it felt. The touch of clay, the smell of dust, the heat from the kiln, and the radio in the background. It is a wonderful place to be.

64th is a photo of brendan. Brendan is Remy’s friend’s son. He is a year and a half. Here he playing with coasters, which was his new found hobby. I snapped the photo with my new iPhone 6 while the little one was running around. I was pleasantly surprised by this new piece of technology with its quick capture.

65th is a photo of yours truly, on the grass, at brooklyn bridge park, reminiscing that day that photographer tracy barbour documented a couple days in the life of Remy and I. I still miss it.

66th is a photo of the foggy night from my mother in law’s building. We were staying there house sitting for her while she traveled to asia with her girlfriends. It was quite uncomfortable staying at someone else’s apartment. I can’t imagine airbnbing.

67th is a photo of brookline in boston on a rainy morning. This is a shot before we got onto the elevator to the car to drive to the cancer center to receive my treatment.

68th is a photo from the car window on our drive up to boston. So much of the latter part of 2014 is intertwined with boston. We went from seeing the full foliage, to different shades of red and yellow, to now bareness.

69th is a photo of me (around 4 years old) with my parents and my sister (who would’ve been around 5 at the time). I don’t know where this picture was taken but we were on the lawn, sitting down, smiling at the camera.

70th is a photo of my boots. Some lady during my pottery class had stepped on my new boots. I remember feeling annoyed, until I looked down. She had imprinted stars on my shoes with her sole. A clean row of stars from the dust that accumulated in the pottery class. It was a nice surprise.

71st is a photo my Gunilla sent me of the flowers I gifted her earlier that day. In her text message she thanked me with light and love. In the photo, alongside the bouquet I gifted her was a candle and a pincushion in the shape of a heart. Light and love. How delicate.

72nd is a photo of young me with my sister and mom on stone steps. My guess is my dad is not in most of our childhood photography because he is like many dad manning the camera. Both my sister and I were imitating the way my mom sat, with her legs crosses, in black gladiator sandals, and her hands resting on her knee that perched. We tried but neither of us looked as good as her.

73rd is a photo of ice skaters at bryant park. We had just left dinner at ootoya, a japanese plate dinner. The weather had gotten chilly.

74th is a photo of the book I was reading, dark lands by the wheelers. I want to travel like tony but its not in everyone to do it. So the most I can do it read his summarization.

75th is a photo of the met life building, with a reflection imprinted over it. We had just left columbia university hospital in midtown manhattan. I snapped this photo on our way to the car. I am constantly reminded and amazed that this is the city I call home.

76th is a photo of my dinner at jean georges. With Remy we began this tradition of trying out new restaurants with his mom in 2014.

77th is a photo of a cup of coffee from ground support that has my name on it. Just how I like it.

78th is a photo of me trying to pose inside the hotel on a trip we took at the beginning of fall to orlando florida. I’ve never been to the sunshine state. That trip will always be remembered as the trip Remy got food poisoning from eating at carabas. He vomitted violently into the bathroom sink for the entire night the first night of our getaway.

79th is a photo of our hotel. It’s a 60/70s inspired hotel. I took the photo from poolside when I was outside lounging by myself while Remy nursed himself back from his food poisoning.

80 is a photo of the wall from dia art foundation up at beacon. We drove up to putnam county to see a couple of open houses on our way to arsdale to see our friends house. Beacon was gorgeous. The gallery was closing by the time we arrived but it was picturesque outside too,

81st is another shot of the scenery at beacon. It’s the nature at its best this year.

82nd is another shot of the scenery at beacon. This one of the sunset across the hudson on our drive back down from putnam county to westchester county.  New York is so more than brick and mortar. It is solid nature; and this trip reminded me of that.

83rd is a photo of our steak, boiled potatoes, and broccoli florets from one of our dinners. Remy is a big meat eater. He does not go one meal without it. Not even me getting ill can change this habit of his.

84rd is a photo Remy took of me in my mini mouse ears I got in Tokyo Disneyland, along with a poster of mignons from our trip to orlando. Remy eventually got better from his food poisoning. So we went back to disneyland, specifically diagon alley, the next day.

85th is a photo of the trays of doughnuts at dough. I have been denied sweets by my darling husband but he swears this is the best donut in the city. Try it for yourselves and let me know.

86th is a photo of the hydrangea flowers that my best friend bought me. She came to see me from LA and we dined at a Japanese restaurant in midtown east. She came with her sister and we sat bar side while we enjoyed broiled hamachi collar, sashimi, rice with salmon eggs, steamed giant clams galore.

87th is a photo of the lego toy that she gifted me. I must’ve mentioned in passing recently that I am in love with lego. It is the only toy I remember playing growing up. She bought me a carnival set.

88th is a photo from the cutout exhibit of henri matisse’s. I have not been to the MoMA this year. So when she invited me to go with her I didn’t decline her invitation. I had no idea matisse’s exhibition was on display.

89th is a photo of my lego men and women, lined up with their respective hairs off. They are beyond little people to me.

90th is a photo at a rest stop on our way to boston. Remy pulled into the rest stop to fill up gas and to let me off to go make a bathroom run. I spotted the remnants of  some gasoline on the asphalt and its illuminating colors and took a shot right there. Who knew something so nauseating yet essential in life could be so pretty in its rawness.

91st is a photo of the traffic on 95 on our way back from Boston. I compare going to boston every time as going to work. The medicine gives me body aches and the pills give me body itches but it’s a necessary battle I suppose.

92nd is a photo of my feet in domokun slippers gifted to me by a girl I met on this cancer journey. We met at gilda, while attending the same seminar. We would later find out that we’ve crossed paths in Taiwan, in Toronto and now in New York. Life is full of comedies.

93rd is a photo of a postcard from a very dear friend of mine from Singapore. She is not from Singapore but took a trip there and decided to send me a postcard on her vacation. We call each other jumelle, twin in french. I saw her this past trip in Taiwan. She is a darling.

94th is a photo of a dinner I made for my Remy. Paelle to be exact. It is a photo of the paella broken down into clams, tomatoes, jalepenos, basmati rice, saffron, cumin, turmeric, salt and pepper, bay leaves, scallops, baby squid, and shrimps. I’ve since perfected my recipe but that was a memorable meal.

95th is a photo from a rainy day in Manhattan. We had just left columbia university hospital, to get a second opinion on our treatment in Boston. It was timed so we would see our doctor before we left for Asia. I was cleared to go on our trip.

96th is a photo from another rainy day in Boston. We had just left Dana Farber, from seeing our oncologist and getting my dose of chemo. I didn’t have to do an MRI that trip. I would have to do one when I came back from Asia.

97th is a photo of the skyline of Tokyo from our hotel in downtown shiodome. It is a dream that just shy of 2 weeks ago I was walking around in the tokyo metro, sampling sour dried plums and pickled vegetables, trying on capes and lunching at MUJI cafe, window shopping in ginza while Remy got his haircut.

98th is a photo of a grand tree inside Asakusa sensoji.

99th is a photo of harbs bakery in New York. The store had just opened and coincidentally we visited once in Tokyo. I got a matcha chiffon cake for my birthday. It has been a year (officially at least) since I’ve had dessert. It has been long overdue and harbs did not disappoint.

100th is a photo of a Japanese new year matsuri mural on the gate of a garage near Asakusa sensoji. What a way to close 2014.

i n s t a l i f e ( p a r t u n o )

I’m going through my Instagram account. 2014 has been a wild year.

For those who care to follow my journey i’m at @pealower. And this is 2014 picture by picture, word for word.

1st is a photo of my sushi dinner at sushi yasuda with the family. My first raw fish of the year. It is one of the few times I would eat with my mother in law, my parents, my sister and Remy. We ate and laughed like we were one big happy family. Who knew that less than one year ago my mother in law sat turned away from my first dance with my father at my wedding.

2nd is a photo of my wedding day. Me with my Remy. It was a magical night. With the exception of the drama with my mother in law, it was magical. I remember the canoes that bobbed around on the ocean, the paddle boarder that casually came into our view, the sun that was so warm and bright, pastor richard’s hawaiian chant, his speech about ohana, and the ‘somewhere over the rainbow song’ on the ukulele.

3rd is a photo from create arts center. My sister invited me and Remy for a night of booze and painting. We don’t drink; but we painted.

4th is a photo from the lunch right after my baptism. I was as happy as happy can be. I don’t remember what I was clapping at. I looked like I was having the time of my life.

5th is a photo of my side table. It has flowers and plants from our loved ones. The germini daisy from my mother in law, tulips from larenta, and the mini carnations from my church friend Vivian. The backdrop is a signature board from our wedding. Covered in all the good wishes from family and friends.

6th is a photo from our outing at Brooklyn Botanic Garden where we saw cherry blossoms at its peak. It was march and I had just begun to venture outside my front door. I remember the discomfort I had walking up the small steps at the garden. I can now climb a full floor of stairs no problem. It’s amazing what 300 days can do to you.

7th is a photo of my ‘justin beiber’, the mexican fortune tree I got from my best friend. Her husband hauled it to dinner at aburiya kinnosuke. I approve of their relationship.

8th is another photo of the cherry blossoms. They were all in bloom; bright pink and full. I remember Remy exclaiming that he is not used to seeing cherry blossoms so pink. He said that in Japan, most of the blossoms were white or light pink. Who knew the US would be more hot pink than Japan, the land of hello kitty.

9th is a photo of my salad lunch from a joint in chelsea market. It was the first time I’ve seen my other best friend zoe in years. We had a falling out in 2008 but we’ve since reconnected.

10th is a photo of my soba dinner at sobaya in st. mark’s in NYC. I remember sitting at the bar with remy, the restaurant crowded with chinese tourists.

11th is a photo from figment on governors island. The exhibitions were pretty sad but it was a gorgeous day with my friend larenta. I remember the boat ride to governors island, where I spoke to her in detail about my health. We ended the day with Remy and I dropped her off in chelsea, where we went to grocery shop (our favorite past time) and larenta went back to home on the upper east side via foot, her favorite way to travel in the city.

12th is a photo of a necklace laced over a pineapple. I had started beeding and it was one of my first creations. The photo is a photo I later uploaded onto etsy, in a failed attempt to sell it.

13th is a photo of my feet on a green yoga mat. I started going to a light yoga class at Gilda. I was immensely proud of myself for having started yoga then. A couple of months ago I couldn’t have fathomed doing downward facing dog.

14th is a photo of myself at the crew store on fifth avenue in 2013. Pre-cancer. I had beautiful long hair. I was losing my hair in heaps. I never knew how much hair meant to me until that point.

15th is a photo of the roof at the venue for the broadway show cabaret with michelle williams. I don’t know how emma stone is but michelle was to die for.

16th is a photo of neymar on tv. It was the beginning of fifa world cup. Remy would be glued to the TV for 2 weeks.

17th is a photo of the tray for the check at hakata ton ton, one of Remy and my favorite restaurants in the city.

18th is a photo of the mosaic art I made at my art class at creative center.

19th is a photo of the lunch Remy and I had at legal seafoods in New Jersey. The food was decent; some of the mussels were rotten. I wouldn’t recommend it.

20th is a photo of the grand budapest hotel dvd Remy got me. It is, in my opinion, the best movie of 2014.

21st is a photo of my wrist. On it are six necklaces; all made by yours truly.

22nd is a photo of me, with my arms wide open, embracing the first day of summer, at buttermilk falls, just north of the city.

23rd is a photo of the google search engine, which paid homage to the japan v colombia, which would be the end of their fifa run for 2014.

24th is a photo of the rainbow of bracelets I made.

25th is a photo of this yorkie I saw at ABC carpet and home. He or she, stooped up on a bar stool, kept licking its nose. I think he or she might have been sensitive to the scent at that counter.

26th is a photo of all my beads, neatly organized in individual plastic containers. I had so much fun organizing; perhaps more fun than the beading itself.

27th is a photo of my ‘justin beiber’ plan blossoming, his leaves green as can be. He looks regal.

28th is a photo of my diy american flags in anticipation of Remy’s mom’s fourth of july party. Again, I had more fun with the preparation than I did at the party.

29th is a photo of some cookies I had decorated with the home made flags.

30th is a photo of the sky I took at my sister’s apartment. We had gotten into an argument just moments earlier and I was wishing I was somewhere else.

31st is a photo of some maryland blue crab drenched in spices from our road trip down to duke to see an oncologist. I would later develop some disturbing rash on my face from the crabbies.

32nd is a photo the entrance at chinatown in dc. It was on the same road trip down to duke to see the oncologist.

33rd is a photo of the menu at pho 75, a vietnamese place we saw on anthony bourdain in philadelphia. It is one of the worst phos I’ve ever had in my life. Just goes to show, can’t trust anything you see on tv.

34th is a photo of the fish filet in chili oil from han dynasty in NYC. It is a philly import. It is some good fish. We waited for close to 45 minutes for a table. I spoke to the hostess in mandarin, something I think everyone who speaks a second language should do when communicating with your fellow comrade.

35th is a photo of the red roses Remy surprised me with. Remy rarely buys me flower. I rarely hint to him that I want flowers. I did tell him that any woman who tells her significant other that she doesn’t like flowers is a liar. Who doesn’t want to feel loved? What better way than with flowers?

36th is a photo from cancer care’s office on the 16th floor of a high rise on 6th avenue. It is a photo of downtown manhattan. There are an overcast that day which made the picture even more magnificent.

37th is a photo from our flight to durham, NC. It would be my first trip of the year. It was an uneventful flight, just shy of 2 hours. The uneventfulness made it eventful. Now we know I can fly. Let the summer trips begin!

38th is a photo at my favorite sushi joint in NYC, the infamous sushi yasuda. It is so delicious; a must try if you’re in town.

39th is a photo of me with my arm up in a soldier’s salute at warbyparker. The brooklyn-born store has this photo booth, with three backdrop changes, for customers to play with free of charge. Let’s make it another must try when you’re in town.

40th is a photo of the audience at cirque du soleil’s performance of varekai at the barclay’s center. It is the first time i’ve been to the new stadium.

41st is a photo of a sushi dinner from sushi yasaka, a new restaurant discovery. The restaurant itself is not new; it is just a new restaurant to Remy and I. We don’t normally venture out west of 6th avenue. We drive almost everywhere we go but we seldom see the need to trek that far. My Gunilla took us to sushi yasaka one time and we were hooked to the quality and the price; again, a must try if you’re in town.

42nd is a photo of a maltese we saw at beacon’s closet. Remy and I brought some clothes to beacon’s closet for sale. Unfortunately the store didn’t find anything I brought interesting, not even my marc jacobs shoes. They were not in season, the clerk said, they were looking for winter shoes not sandals.

43rd is a photo of the sky. I was in the car on our drive back from brooklyn. You could see the sun peaking through one of the clouds. I spend allot of time, thoughts wandering, when Remy is driving. He is almost always caught up with what’s going on with the road, rightfully so. I stare blankly out the window.

44th is a photo of Zooey, Gunilla’s temporary roommate. She was cat sitting for her friend. Zooey didn’t jump on Gunilla’s guests. She would stare at Remy and me and responded only to Gunilla in a respectful way. Almost giving us space. She is the most well behaved cat I’ve ever encountered.

45th is a photo of the moon from our street. It was the night of the super moon. Remy and I walked out, after dinner, to get a glimpse of what newscasters said was a must see of 2014. So we did.

46th is a photo of the ordering sheet from Neptune Oyster in Boston. It would be the beginning of many many trips we’d take to boston for my clinical trial. The temodar I had been taking for close to 7 months had stopped working. I was developing new symptoms and my pregnant oncologist had removed me from the drug. She advised me to look for other options. So I ended up at Dana-Farber.

47th is a photo of the lunch plate at roddee in Boston. It is a thai place in brookline; a mom-and-pop shop Remy frequented while he was in college. He’s never ordered anything else. It’s always been spicy chicken and basil. And so this photo is.

48th is a photo of me, Remy and my dad. We were at the lookout just before diamond head on the way to kailua. It was a couple days after our wedding, which took place in Honolulu. We were on our way to drop my parents off to the airport so they can go back to Taiwan. We didn’t have enough time to sight see with them so our brief drive was meant to be for their quick tour of the island.

49th is a photo of the wallpaper at Ivan’s Ramen shop on the lower east side. Now this is not a joint that I would list as a must go. It is not bad food. It’s just not the type of ramen that Remy and I prefer. They do have nice decor.

50th is a photo of a picture at colonnade hotel in Boston. It is our second or third stay in Boston for my treatment. The hampton inn that offers medical rate ran out of rooms. Remy decided last minute for us to stay at the colonnade. I had just confronted the concierge over the absurd wait they put us through, after having been told we booked the rooms late.